Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

It is better to love someone who does not deserve your love than love no one.

Humanity needs dreams to be able to survive the miseries of daily existence, even if only for an instant.

I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water.

Mindfulness is a mental activity that in due course eliminates all suffering.

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

A man must know his destiny. if he does not recognize it, then he is lost.

I have always felt that violence was the last refuge of the incompetent, and empty threats the last sanctuary of the terminally inept.

If I don't see myself as a victim, then I'm not a victim.

It is better to desire than to enjoy, to love than to be loved.