Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

They lack suggestive power. And when a book lacks suggestive power, however hard it hits the surface of the mind it cannot penetrate within.

Good and bad lies within and without one other loses its mean and essence.

The principle that the end justifies the means is and remains the only rule of political ethics

It's like looking through a microscope your whole life, " he (Justin) said. "You miss the whole picture. Sometimes you need to get lost in order to discover anything.

I've spent years trying to time up my drops with my throws. You learn to listen to your feet and trust your positions.

I support guns and I support the death penalty. Half of my interviews are convincing liberals they're not liberal.

Staying focused is hard work and staying married is even harder.

I'm single again and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm loving it at the moment. This is what I've been missing.

One of the most difficult tasks confronting philosophers is to descend from the world of thought to the actual world.

At the heart of the mystery of corruption lies the desire of one man to impose his will on others to the largest possible extent.