Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change

I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.

You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.

But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day.

If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image.

There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.

And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change.

Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.

(Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.)

If you want to be watched by governments, all you have to do is tell people that you research radiation.

A chord that becomes a melodious delusion, In polar discrepancy from blue to yellow painted, In yellow I existed, with digoxin’s deadly illusion, Like Van Gogh’s stars in a bright night untainted.

Excuses

In politics, as in physics, every reaction is met with an equal and opposite reaction.

I love lighting Shabbat candles at the onset of Shabbat. It helps me create a strong and firm demarcation of time.

Maybe you should just press the button

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

I have owned and played a Steinway all my life. It's the best Beethoven piano. The best Chopin piano. And the best Ray Charles piano. I like it, too.

The biggest revolutions are the ones that happen in-between our ears.

He's pulling the load of an ox and walking on eggshells.