Intellectuals should never marry; they won't enjoy it; and besides, they should not reproduce themselves.

Moralizing and morals are two entirely different things and are always found in entirely different people

Babies are such a nice way to start people.

I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.

It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.

The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.

In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.

I'm convinced part of the reason I got signed is because of who I am, and it makes me sad.

Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

When you're famous, you don't get to meet people because they want you to like them when the present themselves to you, and you don't see the real people.

In my experience women are like cats. When you don't want them you can't get rid of them and when you do want them it's like trying to pick up lint with a magnet.

The LORD Almighty has a day in store for all the proud and lofty, for all that is exalted (and they will be humbled).

Be persistent. Editors change; tastes change; editorial markets change. Too many beginning writers give up too easily.

History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, 'Can't you remember anything I told you?' and lets fly with a club.

Even in the tragedies, [William] Shakespeare always put in parts for the comic actors because his audience was mixed. He puts in people who talk like aristocrats. He puts in idiots and fools.

I'm certainly not a trained singer. I'm just kind of following a feeling.

When reason rules, money is a blessing.