Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

As an adult I had mastered the art of looking without seeing and listening without hearing and eating without tasting and maybe even existing without living.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT

Social Media is a shared delusion of grandeur.

My aim is to touch infinity, My desires are many, And i can not be contacted.

I fear God and next to God I mostly fear them that fear him not.

If you try to make the Democrats be what they are not, and never will be, you will end up being more like what the Democrats actually are.

I started out in stand-up, so it's very satisfying to make people laugh, but it usually means at your own expense.

Nothing in nature is as simple as it sometimes seems when reduced to words.

My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.

Develop a good filing system.