Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

To the issues of friendship, love, business and war, "surprise" is the optimistic solution.

True prayer brings a person's will into accordance with God's will not the other way around.

When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.

I've worked with a lot of great directors and often times they solicit your ideas.

The friendships of the world are oft confederacies in vice, or leagues of pleasures.

I like adventures and people who live with the volume on high.

My motto is "Unite now, today if you can; fight if you must. But in every case avoid British intervention."

Last night I had a dream. When I got to Africa, I had one hell of a rumble. I had to beat Tarzan's behind first, for claiming to be King of the Jungle.

I've been lucky. I've met a lot of baseball people, and I've learned to value people who talk - people who talk well and in long sentences and even long paragraphs.

Although I have to leave you as mayor soon, I resume the much more honorable title of citizen of New York, and citizen of the United States.