Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The most important result of the efforts of a man is the effort of self-development and continuous growth

I love you like the woman I am now. Not the girl I was. I’m battered and bruised and I’m tougher, but I’m still here. I’m scared to death, but I’m more frightened of a life without you.

What the history of aviation has brought in the 20th century should inspire us to be inventors and explorers ourselves in the new century.

Many things happened in my life, and I thought that they changed me. But in the end, nothing has changed since I was seventeen. If I could keep today’s happiness I wouldn’t worry about tomorrow.

If you are as happy in entering the White House as I shall feel on returning to Wheatland, you are a happy man indeed.

I exist. It is soft, so soft, so slow. And light: it seems as though it suspends in the air. It moves.

At the end of the day government is about teamwork and partnership and we will be proving that by working together.

China is a civilization pretending to be a nation.

TMI? Too Much Information. It”s just easier to say 'TMI'. I used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame.

Oh my friend, all that you see of me is a shell, the rest belongs to love.