Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Respect is love in action

As day is to a sword, night is to a shield.

Observing the stream of eternal and simple truth is the same for all who look upon the fountainhead of consciousness.

The remedy of disharmony is not in surrender but in understanding more about ones self & acting out of pure Will... Desire 2 will

Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently

David Letterman was my guy growing up. My parents recorded the tenth anniversary special for me, and I watched it 40 times.

The important thing isn't the house. It's the ability to make it. You carry that in your brain and in your hands, wherever you go.

What are we fighting for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn.

Who is here with you?” “Don’t stop,” she begged. “Who is here with you?” he repeated, harshly this time. “You are.” “What is my name?” “Reyes

Mutual funds are an overrated investment heavily promoted by Wall Street.