Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

So many people want to be successful, but most of them are fearful or doubtful of the path that leads to it. This is way the land of success is far from being crowded.

If you can't help it, don't think about it

The well of public opinion has been well and truly poisoned by the Iraq episode.

I like to cook Vietnamese pho or vegetarian curries. I need to cook more but I need somebody to cook with.

Trying to tell you I'm the one, come and holla at me before I'm on the next thing, YMCMB.

You cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of your life; at some point, you have to unleash the potential and make your move(ment).

Matter is the evolution of energy. First there is thought, then there is thought form, and then there is matter. Matter is only thought that has been thought upon by more.

The breath of flowers is far sweeter in the air than in the hand.

Every era of renaissance has come out of new freedoms for peoples. The coming renaissance will be greater than any in human history, for this time all the peoples of the earth will share in it.

I actually have more respect for people who are in the closet. You end up exposing so much of yourself because you have to talk about your sexual life. You shouldn't have to talk about it.