Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

As she laughed I was aware of becoming involved in her laughter and being part of it, until her teeth were only accidental stars with a talent for squad-drill.

Withersoever the wheel of Fortune turns, Virtue stands firm upon her feet.

Prose divides shame into stations.

Do not wait for ideal circumstances nor for the best opportunities they will never come.

I do the 'New York Times' crossword puzzle every morning to keep the old grey matter ticking.

Fischer was a master of clarity and a king of artful positioning. His opponents would see where he was going but were powerless to stop him

In any given age it is only a few extremists who are right.

Metallica is a very complicated, fragile thing. On the outside, it's all metal, but on the inside it's very delicate.

Science is simply common sense at its best.

I don't like technology and all that. I'm a farm boy. I would rather live in that time when you had to provide for your family. I don't know. I'm a country kid, so I don't like modern technology.