Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Finding meaning for life is simply coming into significance because you have been able to accomplish and fulfill your purpose.

We are all guests on this earth. We come and we go. All of us. The oppressors and the oppressed, the weak and the strong. We are all here for a mere moment.

Love your enemies" means love the ones that hate you, not love the ones you hate cause there is no way to have love if have hatred .

Cold prayers shall never have any warm answers.

Love is the perfect safety, or the perfect weapon.

I feel like I've been marinated in Australian theatre.

The more I take care of myself, the more prosperous I am.

All my friends were girls. Then my mom's strident feminism for years where men were thought of as the enemy, I just didn't know what the right way to be a man was.

Living in the limelight: the universal dream for those who wish to SEEM. Those who wish to BE, must put aside the alienation, get on with the fascination, the real relation, the underlying theme.

God so loved us and hates suffering that he was willing to come down and get involved in it.