Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The first rule in the book of love is acceptance.

She looked like a head-on collision between a fashion plate and a nightmare.

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving and that's your own self.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I just want to become a great leadoff hitter.

I am not a liberator. Liberators do not exist. The people liberate themselves.

Success is such a relative thing for me. I'm fundamentally a Christian which means that ultimately all of the penultimate titles and things you just had to wear with a loose garment. Really.

Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends.

I think it's like everything you do is just a reflection of who you are as an artist.

I think that most minorities have experienced some form of racial abuse.