Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

Find the good. Seek the Unity. Ignore the divisions among us.

Bee not idle and you shall not bee longing.

In crowds it is stupidity and not mother wit that is accumulated.

I refresh Twitter as thoughtlessly as some twirl their hair.

Don't talk too much, be focused on the goal and achieve it.

Before a leaf-bud has burst, its whole life acts; in the full-blown flower there is no more; in the leafless root there is no less.

I think diseases have no eyes. They pick with a dizzy finger anyone, just anyone.

You are the one. Solid the spaces lean on, envious. You are the baby in the barn.

The strength of the group is the strength of the leaders.