It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Stand strong. Stand firm.

I have learned in my journey of faith that, the closer I am walking with God, the more likely the devil will be working to make me stumble.

Regrets are stupid; they don't mean anything and they don't add up to anything.

The thing is, I am a loving person. I am super sappy when it comes to romance. But I'm not the Antonio Banderas, swashbuckling, Pierce Brosnan, smooth-talking type.

I was a traditional teacher for a time, but my students would ride the energy. I wanted to free people not give them a placebo.

God gived you the seed. But the watering and caring of that seed is up to you.

There's plenty about God that I don't understand and can't explain. But I come back to my core belief that God is good, that He's for us.

Do not say before hand what you are going to do; for if you fail, you will be laughed at.

I say to the Taliban: surrender the terrorists; or surrender power. It's your choice.

The sun does what it does because the earth tilts.