It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Confidence is the attitude of success.

You need three or five hands to play Ligeti.

Free speech is the bedrock of liberty and a free society. And yes, it includes the right to blaspheme and offend.

There are people who organise the contest, winners, losers, and people who benefit from the contest taking place.

Aspiring to a depth of awareness of the sacred whole has always been the path to wisdom and grace.

My biggest deterrent to getting the workout I need is just that my days are so full and so busy.

Don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love.

I can only listen to what I'm working on, at the time. I can't listen to anything else because I don't want to copy it.

I think that like most girls in high school, I just mirrored what was around me.

The greatest gift is not being afraid to question.