It doesn't matter how you live and die, it's how the bards wrote it down.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

The worst thing you can do is nothing.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant ‘idiot.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

You never knew about people, like you never knew how deep a pond was because all you saw was the top.

Each second of every time has its own story and history to be filed.

It wasn't long after the discovery of modern anesthesia that people began to die of it.

But Jesus changes your attitude towards yourself and towards other people.

I gave my heart to the Americans and thought of nothing else but raising my banner and adding my colors to theirs.

I'd got to that age when I was out on a date with a guy and I would be thinking: Don't mention your age, don't mention that you want a child - because they would just run out the door.

One of the wonderful things about the actor's life is that's what we have the opportunity to do; we bring all these aspects of ourselves and of our personal lives into the work that we do.

In our progress towards the goal, we ever see more and more enchanting scenery.

I honestly don't hate asylum seekers - these people are cockroaches and they're doing what cockroaches do because cockroaches can't help what they do, they just do it, like cats miaow and dogs bark.

I wake up early in the morning and walk for an hour. If I have something to write, I prefer to write in the morning until midday, and in the afternoon, I eat.

Sometimes, as a comedian, a line will come to you, that is so beautiful, so perfect, that you think: I did not create this line. This line belongs to all of us. Surely this is a line of God