It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

Be with someone you don't want to be without.

Love is an involuntary gift that manifests unplanned.

My job is not to get between YOU and God. My job is to put your hand IN God's hand.

The shows are the main way our lives have changed.

Be special. Be anything but mediocre.

The health care reform legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives last night clearly violates the U.S. Constitution and infringes on each state's sovereignty.

Recognize the cunning man not by the corpses he pays homage to but by the living writers he conspires against with the most shameful weapon, Silence, or the briefest review.

I can't write songs unless I am in love.

Time is life itself, and life resides in the human heart.

People will give themselves to prayer for numerous reasons, but at the core of it all is a God, raging with zealous desire.