It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

Very often, we let little things spoil some of our most important treasures—our Moment, our Day, our Life.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

From this moment forth, my sword shall be with you and your fate shall be with me.

You don't think you're a vampire, Sam. That kind of thing you know.

I've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

The destination you think is going to make you happy, doesn't.

But the drugs are kind of like taboo, at least among me and my friends and the people I've worked with.

Safety razors make it hard to grow beards in America: America would be a better place if there were a few bearded, savage, terrible old men.

I believe that when things happen, they happen with a purpose.