It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

He broke my heart, and now it's raining, just to rub it in...

Reader, I am myself the subject of my book; you would be unreasonable to spend your leisure on so frivolous and so vain a matter.

An unhatched egg is to me the greatest challenge in life.

Simplify always - do not complicate.

The notion that anything is gained by fixing a language in a groove is cherished only by pedants.

Truth always ends by victory; it is not unassailable, but invincible.

The fact is, everyone is in sales. Whatever area you work in, you do have clients and you do need to sell.

I like to be useful to people.

I try to have a mood or a rhythm for a chapter.

The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered.