It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If you can quit, quit. If you can't quit, stop complaining - this is what you chose.

No map? No problem. Let commitment and determination lead the way.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Brother, do you know a nicer occupation, Matter of fact, neither do I, Than standing on the corner Watching all the girls go by?

Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

Let hopes and sorrows, fears and angers be, And think each day that dawns the last you'll see; For so the hour that greets you unforeseen Will bring with it enjoyment twice as keen.

Self-esteem is not a luxury; it is a profound spiritual need.

Give us courage and gaiety and the quient mind . . .

I was never into sports, and my passion was the arts as long as I could remember.

Hopefully people hear that a part of what hurts society has a lot to do with the diet, the food that you're eating. So let's be careful.