It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

All my problems bow before my stubbornness.

Real is overratedNo way in my life is that the gistI'd be everything I am notIf I were a fictionist

waging war against inane language that circulates almost automatically is a writer's eternal mission, and the day will never come when this battles are unnecessary.

In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word "frustration".

There's a weird kind of paradox that the more expensive the vacation is, the more potentially anxiety-producing it is.

Policemen so cherish their status as keepers of the peace and protectors of the public that they have occasionally been known to beat to death those citizens or groups who question that status.

It's not just about the current economic environment. History shows that slashing budgets always leads to recession.

There are no shortcuts. You have to work hard, and try to put yourself in a position where if luck strikes, you can see the opportunity and take advantage of it.

Self-recognition, the self-contemplation of spirit is the primary movement out of which all creativeness proceeds.

One can study a caterpillar forever and never be able to predict a butterfly.