It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

You've got the holy trinity of what a girl wants, she said. Cute, smart, funny. I don't think you realize that.

Statutes authorizing unreasonable searches were the core concern of the framers of the 4th Amendment.

You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

The most important moments rarely come at a convenient time

The American political system is not good at trading sacrifice now to prevent crises later.

Fear is always with us, but we just don't have time for it. Not Now!

The best thing in life aren't things.

Dear Hip Hop, we can't scream 'murder, misogyny, lawlessness' in our music & then turn around and ask for equality & justice.

The world inside myself is vaster and richer than this paltry plane, peopled with mere galaxies and gods.