It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

The definitions of the Church are the rules of true faith.

One of the most important disciplines in journalism is to challenge your working premises.

The Klit brothers should first fight each other, and the winner should fight me.

The patient is sinking while the doctors deliberate.

There is nothing which continues longer than a moderate fortune; nothing of which one sees sooner the end than a large fortune.

Error, by force of contrast, enhances the triumph of Truth.

But facts are chiels that winna ding, An' downa be disputed.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.