It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

A team is better 'cos your aptitude is multiplied in your members

The most he would do was to promise that the gates of hell should not prevail against it. It is about all that, looking back on the history of the Church, one can feel that they have not done.

I had the greatest time on Broadway and made friends I never expected to make!

Since when does the butterfly ask about the caterpillar?

Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don't rush; otherwise you'll look like a patchwork quilt.

Oh, I'm definitely a wild child.

Every president, Democratic or Republican, simply works on the supposition that it's better to keep jobs in America than let them go to Mexico.

Things that Shane doesn't want on his grave: (1.) I thought it wasn't loaded. (2.) Hand me a match so I can check the gas tank. (3.) Killed over Ice Cream

There's Tommy, Tommy Lee the rock star, and Tommy the dad. I'm wearing several hats these days.

Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.