It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Do not look after people with big titles. Look after people with big characters.

If you submit to your gift, people will seek and invite you, you will get well paid because you have perfected your gift

You become rich by helping the poor

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

I sometimes have a tendency to walk on the dark side.

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

The author's tribute is heartfelt.

There are so many designers that I love, and I'm so lucky that I get to work with so many of them and sometimes spend time with them.

The notion that the records of government are the property of the people is radically democratic, but it is broken in practice.

I would say critically of myself that I am somebody without secrets. Sometimes acting depends on you having a secret. I don't think I've ever had that.