It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Writing is like sculpturing words out of a block of imagination. Sentences chisel the story, then characters make it their own.

She didn't want me she wanted all of me. I didn't mind saying it. My girlfriend scared the crap out of me.

To storm, a mind, it must be balanced, by what can't be it must be challenged...

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.

Although scientists can often be as resistant to new ideas as anyone, the process of science ensures that, over time, good ideas and theories prevail.

She liked things that had been written by people who had lived short, ugly, and tragic lives. Or, who at least, were English.

Without living Truth, God is nowhere.

If you will scoff at language study how, save in terms of language, will you scoff?

There is no job description for the first lady and she's only there because her husband got elected president.

This is suffering's lesson: pay attention. The important part might come in a form you do not recognize.