It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You cannot be different from your thought!

And please punish Jenny. You could strike her dead. Amen.” Jenny blinked. “I’m no expert on this, but… are you supposed to pray for someone to be struck dead?

I can't just wear whatever when I go out because somebody might want to take a picture. People are, like, taking pictures of me in my car when I'm driving. It's crazy. I kind of hate it sometimes.

It is ... impossible to keep one's excellence in a little glass casket, like a jewel, to take it out whenever wanted. On the contrary, it can only be conserved by continuous and good practice.

Let me give you a tip on a clue to men's characters: the man who damns money has obtained it dishonorably; the man who respects it has earned it.

Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.

Japan can't get anything on the market very cheaply because it has a large, relatively highly paid workforce which you can't fire.

Fear corrodes our confidence in God's goodness.

Feed the birds in winter; in return, they will feed your soul with the look of gratitude!

A human being has many divine qualities. But there has never been another unparalleled divine quality like man's self-sacrifice, nor can there ever be.