It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

Death is the only thing keeping us in line.

Thank God there's somebody that doesn't like Stuart Scott. I'm so happy!. It was nice to have that counter-balance to ESPN.

I took time in the day to write as much of the book as I possibly could. I didn't write too much at night, because I don't like to - I'd rather watch TV.

I had to be happy with the process of writing.Each step you take is more rewarding than the one before.

You cannot hide from the world. It will find you. It always does. And now it has found me. My split second of immortality is over. All that's left now is the end, which is all any of us ever has.

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

If you have a great characters, you can always have your character do nothing or do something stupid, and people will still follow them, because they're so real and so tangible.

I've hated cockroaches my entire life.Tweeting jokes about it helps me cope, in a way. I'm not as jumpy killing cave crickets as I used to be. I still jump plenty though.

I wanted to write a book that maybe had the potential to go beyond the Deadspin and KSK [Kissing Suzy Kolber] readership.

With toilet books, people don't review them that much. They don't really pay much attention to them. It's just like, "Oh, okay. I'll put this in your stocking."

Money is a very beautiful blessing until it gets in the wrong hands.

He did not hope that God heard his prayers

My native land is a slave of heathenism, men's god is their belly, and they live only for the present. The richer a man, the holier.

Some people value sentiments over diamonds.

I am drunk, seest thou? When I am not drunk I do not talk. You have never heard me talk much. But an intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend his time with fools.

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.

Man is at his best when complimented by the influence of a good woman.

When Punk Rock happened, it created an opening in the culture... it made it ok to think you could play music, even though you had no musical training.

Ain't nuttin' to it,but ta do it!

You know, I just don't believe that art is supposed to make sense. I really don't think it's supposed to be analyzed to death. It's left to the listener or looker to get what they can get from it.