It's a fine night to have an evening.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.

Don’t spoil Christmas Day by anticipating how it will be. Let is unfold as it does, and be grateful for whatever comes.

Live the present intensely and fully, do not let the past be a burden, and let the future be an incentive. Each person forges his or her own destiny.

My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.

We must pray for more prayer, for it is the world's mightiest healing force.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

I haven't backed down from a fight in my life, and I won't start tonight.

I do less-fanciful reality. I celebrate the fat, the ugly, the women who can't get guys. I'm not trying to entertain you; I'm trying to make you passionate.

I like doing something romantic with a girl on Valentines Day, like making her dinner and keeping it simple. The more quality time, the better.

There is no royal road or ready way to virtue.