It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

God supply my needs, one day at a time.

Indeed, this crisis was also spurred by the abandonment of professional ideals in the pursuit of profit that made managed care necessary in the first place.

To all the readers, whom despitethe attraction of tv, of internet, of family troubles, of video games, of sport, of night clubs, have found some hoursso we can all dream together.

In my teaching, I enjoyed creating models to clearly communicate my thoughts.

Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it.

Someone ought to write a novel about me.

Turn your life into a field of power and energy to draw from.

And woe succeeds woe.

It is always about you for me.

The comics I've talked to have varied styles as stand-ups, but the throughline is that it's the most intense thing they've ever done.