It's a tribute to the human brain that anyone is able to function out there on television in a talk situation that is entirely artificial.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

When I finally find that one willing agent, I'll have found my prize in the Cracker Jack box.

The Humane Society of America thinks Michael Vick should have a dog. I think whoever's in charge there should have a lobotomy.

It becomes tricky, and you start to think about the cramps rather than just actually what you're trying to do on the court, which is obviously win the match.

I think many people can relate to that excruciating pain of love gone wrong. I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

You can really get poked in the back and not feel it very much, but just a feather around your lips and you really do feel it.

Not everybody who has a vision is a leader, but every leader has a vision.

Society is capricious and rewards the bad as often as the good. But it never rewards the quiet.

If you tell a friend a secret, she will keep the secret by telling only one other person.

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive - the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

There will always be people for whom hate is easier when it’s not backed up by anything but fear.