It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.

He had escaped the abhorrent taint! He was truly completely alone! He was the only human being in the world!

Conscience defined by the elders, passed on to the next generations.

If you can figure out my success on the screen, you're a better man than I.

If life really depends on each gene being as unique as it appears to be, then it is too unique to come into being by chance mutations.

While sin is overflowing, [grace] pours itself forth so exuberantly, that it not only overcomes the flood of sin, but wholly absorbs it.

... to adapt one's outlook to another person's salvation is the surest and quickest way of losing him.

Ad campaigns are necessary for competition. But good PR educates people; that's all it is.

I realized pretty quickly just how big and aggressive some of the mountains were down in Nagano Prefecture.