It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

What the mind forgetsThe scars keep remembering

As I drift through the autumn of my life like a fallen leaf blown about by the winds of time, I sometimes ponder my destiny.

In the furnace of affliction, we are refined and purified.

Success is not a miracle. Nor is it a matter of luck. Everything happens for a reason, good or bad, positive or negative.

Leia follows me like a vague smell.

The original lists were probably carved in stone and represented longer periods of time. They contained things like 'Get More Clay. Make Better Oven.'

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

Our passion is and should always be to make life better.

When I suffer in mind, stories are my refuge; I take them like opium; and consider one who writes them as a sort of doctor of the mind.

I think many people would say that writers like Stephen King have hypergraphia.