It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You told me your mother wants grandchildren.”“My mother wants George Clooney to move to the farm too but that ain’t ever going to happen.

There were eleven votes for "guilty." It's not easy for me to raise my hand and send a boy off to die without talking about it first.

Off... you will never understand me...You ignore me... now you... then it will be my turn!

In life sometimes, in the universe, you have to close some doors to have others open.

Of course, plenty of people don't think that guaranteeing affordable health insurance is a core responsibility of government.

What Alpha offers, and what is attracting thousands of people, is permission, rare in secular culture, to discuss the big questions - life and death and their meaning.

The only people who think life should be easy are lazy people

Discontentment is a gift. It's the stuff that changes the world.

I was sure you 'd dropped the class, which made me selfishly ecstatic. Without even knowing i was doing it, i started looking for you on campus.

No man ever sailed over exactly the same route that another sailed over before him; every man who starts on the ocean of life arches his sails to an untried breeze.