It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Quotation confesses inferiority.

Before innovation - or practical creativity - there is insight. You must see the world differently.

He was right that I was afraid. But I didn’t think I was afraid of the truth. I was afraid of believing something that would destroy me if it turned out to be a lie.

How can you ask me to keep a secret... when you can't keep it yourself?

No one will ever make necessity not happen.

All birth is unwilling.

It is the act of a coward to wish for death.

My aim is a very modern Dior, but at the end of the day, I also look back.

I loved to read, but I always thought that the dream was too far away. The person who had written the book was a god, it wasn't a person.

Everything I do, I feel is genius. Whether it is or it isn't.