It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Men's competitive team sports focus on the balance between individual achievement and team achievement with the emphasis on team achievement.

Everybody needs a place they can go to rest, sheltered from the past and the future. A place you can live one moment at a time.

I just want a hot cup of coffee,black,and I don’t want to hear about your troubles.

Basically he never went to work and didn't have a job. Of course I thought he did. I thought he was on the phone doing business deals instead of borrowing money from people.

A man's motive in the small actions of daily life, like resting a moment on his pitchfork in the sun and listening intently, may be the most important thing about that man.

There should be no private health insurance companies operating for profit.

When a business becomes successful seemingly overnight, no one knows about all the months and years you've invested, all the projects you've tried before that didn't work.

The journalist's job is to get the story by breaking into their offices, by bribing, by seducing people, by lying, by anything else to break through the palace guard.

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.