It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Give out what you most want to come back.

Interfering, judgmental, and disrespectful mothers-in-law are common complaints.

Who is not attracted by bright and pleasant children, to prattle, to creep, and to play with them?

The preparation I had in college was the most valuable.

Its our actions that define us. What we choose. What we resist. What we're willing to die for.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

We suffer from the evils which we, by our own free will, inflict on ourselves and ascribe them to God, who is far from being connected with them!

God puts Christ's enemies as a footstool beneath His feet, for their salvation as well as their destruction.

I have always wanted to midcourse-correct (or undermine) in a poem, and let that be the turn. That poem is to do with displacement, with almosts - even the rhymes are intentionally off.

Your vivid, exciting companionship in the office must not be your audience, you must find your own quiet center of life, and write from that to the world.