It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

You have every right to a beautiful life.

Many estates are spent in the getting, since women for tea forsake spinning and knitting, and men for punch forsake hewing and splitting.

I really was more sexual than my classmates.

I do think once I get into expectations, I've just trained myself. I've just trained myself to just move on to the next.

The state always poses a greater threat to society than whatever problem it purports to solve.

You can’t second-guess baseballyou can’t second-guess yourself.

How you looked was not important. It was what you did and how you did it. Decide to do it and then do it the best way you can.

This is the great secret. This is the sacred wisdom. Do unto others as you would have it done unto you.

Let each man think himself an act of God, His mind a thought, his life a breath of God; And let each try, by great thoughts and good deeds, To show the most of Heaven he hath in him.

About suffering they were never wrong, The Old Masters.