It's fun playing the judge, because I grew up on all the courtroom stuff in movies and TV. So, you know all the tropes, and you know all the expressions.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang.

Speak success into existence.

I wondered about her chicken-and-egg relationship with Dad. Which came first? Her helplessness or his controlling?

God's gifts are many; His best gift is one. It is the gift of Himself.

Ineffective or weak brain connections are pruned in much the same way a gardener would prune a tree or bush, giving the plant a desired shape.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

If you do well as an actor, a good director will pick up on it, and keep it in the film.

Everything is theater.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who seek God and those who seek to avoid him... and both will be successful.

I'd like to be the next president of the United States to support and help this great nation and to make sure that we all together remain America as the hope of the earth.