It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

learning texts is worth doing not because it's easy but because it's hard.

For is there any practice less selfish, any labor less alienated, any time less wasted, than preparing something delicious and nourishing for people you love?

What brought mass innovation to a nation was not scientific advances - its own or others' - but 'economic dynamism': the desire and the space to innovate.

Sometimes a decision has to be made by a single individual, who has the authority to enforce it. That's why you need a captain. You can't run a ship by a committee-at least not all the time.

I'm much more conspicuous having long hair than I will be with it short.

The pleasure is our choice.

Usura slayeth the child in the womb It stayeth the young man's courting It hath brought palsey to bed, lyeth between the young bride and her bridegroom

The worst evil which can befall the artist is that his work should appear good in his own eyes.

When I look back on my work, I'm proud of what I've done.

I do not see a delegation for the four-footed. I see no seat for the eagles. We forget and we consider ourselves superior.