It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

The knowledge of God is beginning of all knowledge.

If you are an aspiring leader and you have not yet gone through any trouble, prepare for one. It is by going through the hard times that you become harder against the storms of life.

One repays a teacher badly if one always remains nothing but a pupil.

Athens the eye of Greece mother of arts And eloquence.

Villon our sad bad glad mad brother's name.

Forgiveness is important in families, especially when there are so many secrets that need to be healed - for the most part, every family's got them.

Americans in general have a lot of compassion, we just don't always have the same view of how that compassion is implemented.

I think a lot of our team commitment is a silent understanding that each one of us has poured our life into what we're doing.

There is no thing which God cannot accomplish.

Jesus took your punishment, and God gave you credit for Jesus' perfection.