It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

To know your ruling passion, examine your castles in the air.

It is presumptuous to draw conclusions about a person from what one has heard

If you have to convince someone that you are their soulmate then you didn't realize the thousand other guys applying for the job.

I write while listening to music, mostly because the world beyond my headphones is too chaotic.

It's amazing how ideas start out, isn't it?

Scheme not to make what's Another's your own; Be not a Dog for the sake of a Bone.

The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

Five guys on the court working together can achieve more than five talented individuals who come and go as individuals.

Perhaps there is a minimum distance that should separate one exhibit from another... Indeed those specialized in psychophysics have actually come up with some rules.

Shoes must have very high heels and platforms to put women's beauty on a pedestal.