It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Actions are the first tragedy in life, words are the second. Words are perhaps the worst. Words are merciless. . .

It is unfortunate for the gods that, unlike us, they cannot commit suicide.

How do I soothe his ache when mine was a big gaping hole large enough for both of us to fit in?

Marry above thy match and you will get a master.

If pornographers can hook adolescents when their hormones are raging, they know they'll have an ongoing consumer base for life.

I've often thought that when something is hard for you, whether it's going to law school or anything else that challenges you, that's probably what you should do.

The only time anyone has ever gotten into serious trouble was when he decided he could do nothing about something.

I don't think many kids question their surroundings. Everything seems so permanent and inevitable growing up, even chaos.

I'm not white. Why should I care about the future of white societies

Don't be limited by your job description.