It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

'Nothing can make death easier, ' Cala said, 'but silence can make it harder.' 'Speaking helps not, ' Maia said.

The dead are emotionless.

If U.S. Grant had been leading a team of baseball players, they'd have second guessed him all the way to the doorknob of the Appomattox Courthouse.

Crooks are early adopters.

Let us be eager to leave what is familiar for what is true.

English television from the Fifties to the Nineties was the least bad in the world, and now it's just as bad as it is anywhere.

Sometimes, when I've been staring too hard, I've noticed that I could see the circumference of my own eye.

The will must be stronger than the skill.

Clearly, Enlightenment thinkers were seeking a God substitute.

Failure has gone to his head.