It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

The weight you lift is not nearly as heavy as the weight you carry.

Most of your unhappiness in life comes from the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself.

Just like when you're young and in love, a seven-hour plane ride can seem like a lifetime.

When thanksgiving is filled with true meaning and is not just the formality of a polite “thank you, ” it is the recognition of dependence.

But when the flash flood crosses your path, when the lion leaps at you from the grasses, advanced self-awareness is an unaffordable indulgence. The brain stem does its best.

The pilgrims were kicked out of England, quarreled with the Dutch, alienated the Indians, and had an evil reputation among the turkeys.

My faith is a wounded faith, but it's not without faith. My life is not without faith.

The most important thing is that you're comfortable with who you're working with as a person. Forget the music, if you can sit in a room with someone and you don't have awkwardness.

Well I think that the mind of a serial killer and the mind of the detectives represent the duality we face as people.

Alex took a piece of my heart with him when he left.