It's interesting when you're part of a group - the Jews, to be exact - that the world has had such problems with.

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

I'm not a big fan of the post-Armageddon stories, where Denzel Washington is walking around in a torn coat.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?

Your spouse should be just attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

If you want to be a writer, just write. There's no magic to it.

Getting older is a lot of fun. Right up there with chewing glass or putting your hand in a blender.

I can't not put humor in a book.

When I die, if the word 'thong' appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it. Mark Twain

Nobody believes in completely unadulterated capitalism.

There's too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed.

If you're one of the millions of people who have student debt right now, I'll help you refinance your loans at better rates.

You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'

I believe a writer's most important skill lies in being able to see things from different perspectives.

Why you do something is always kind of a mystery to me.

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Vague expression permits the hearer to imagine whatever suits him and what he already thinks in any case.