It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Innocence still lives within our hearts and the child within each of us knows right from wrong.

The only thing they'll let you shoot with a camera.

Let's Shout It Out and Speak As One. Mind Rock On, The Gemini One.

A man in debt is so far a slave.

If you clean it up, get analytical, all the subtle joy and emotion you felt in the first place goes flying out the window.

It makes a world of difference when you start with an amazing script.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

To arrive at the simplest truth requires years of contemplation.

Unless you really understand others, you can hardly attain your own self-understanding.

I've found in my own life that if my writing isn't going well, not much else will. It is the one constant, the key to everything else.