It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than parents have.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Manipulation is not of God, it is the highest form of sorcery for it enslave the soul to the will of man.....

When will you tell him?' 'When I muster the courage or when I'm left with no choice - whichever comes first.

Richard Nixon was a serial collector of resentments.

In truth the issue is that we are so powerful what we believe becomes our reality.

In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular.

I'm still craving approval from my parents. It took a lot of success for me to realize it was never coming. It's just not in their nature.

Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.

Strange with women when They find out you love men More than they Never let you kiss them On the mouth again.

An average working day begins at 8 or 9 am, includes an hour for lunch, and ends at 5 or 6 pm.

We may have failed to teach our children right from wrong, but we've done a great job of teaching self-esteem!