It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I like the posture, but not the yoga. I like the inebriated morning, but not the opium. I like the flower but not the garden, the moment but not the dream. Quiet, my love. Be still. I am sleeping.

Say the negative and do the opposite.

...and that there were many things grown-ups did which couldn't properly be judged by young people until the young people were grown-ups themselves...

Physically it is impossible for a bee to fly, but because it believes it can then it can.

He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn't reserve a plot for weeds.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Big things are built one brick at a time. Victories are achieved one choice at a time. A life well lived is chosen one day at a time.

The illustrators work so much harder on the books than the writers do. I mean, that's so much work doing what they do, and it's terrible for them.

Let me leap out of the frying-pan into the fire; or, out of God's blessing into the warm sun.