It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Seemingly suicidal, it's not. I never wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. Living was always accidental.

Economics is mostly how humans rationalize who gets what and why. It's how we instantiate our preferences about status, privileges, and power.

I've never gotten to do romantic comedy like most of the girls. Maybe because I'm fit, people assume that I'm not funny?

Truth is narrow, but grace is wide.

Knowledge is dead; the school, however, serves the living.

That which above all other yields the sweetest smell in the air is the violet.

I never surf (the Net). I don't know the password.

Whatever my doubts, however heavy the burden, I feel that I must accept the task of helping to make this nation and this world a better place to live in - for all men, black and white alike.

Many a happiness in life, a many a disaster, is due to chance alone; but the peace within us can never be governed by chance.

The mind is slow to unlearn what it learnt early.